The sadness in our hearts and the power of love even in the face of terrorism

The events of the Boston Marathon earlier this week are weighing on all of our hearts. This morning we woke up to the news of Boston in a lock-down.  The manhunt is on for the crazy young murderer, his brother and accomplice already dead. 

We are left to wonder what  ideological cloak these young men were hiding behind. How could they and others have perpetrated these evil acts? We have to believe their vision of the world is distorted, a form of madness we cannot comprehend.  But this “reality distortion” has collided with our own, and we have the victims to prove it.  So how do we cope with such devastation?

I grew up in Italy when the Red Brigades were active.  I remember meeting men whose name was on their target lists.  Heck, my own dad was warned to be more careful and to avoid routine walks in the same place and at the same hour.  My mom crossed the city with my young aunt and was stopped at a road-block.  We are talking Rome, Italy, not Beirut.  I was thirteen when I attended the funeral of Aldo Moro.  I have not forgotten the trials of those terrorists.  I remember one of those convicts talking about killing, just as you and I would talk about taking a walk.  His world vision was madness, and his heart was stone.

But ours is not.  And courage is not the lack of fear, but the ability to move in spite of fear.  I am so sad to see terrorism in America. We lost our innocence on September 11–we won’t get it back, and Boston is a sad reminder of that.  But we have not lost our freedom.  Together, the good of humanity is stronger than any murderers will ever be. We shall not forget, and we will struggle to forgive. But we will love and that will conquer all. 

So today, go out and hug someone.  Take heart in knowing that the flow of prayers and love is stronger than hate.  No, we cannot understand nor will ever justify what has happened.  But we can take comfort in knowing that we prevail every time we reaffirm love and grace over hate.  And that is a power we can yield with pride and serenity.  As we shed tears over our losses, let us find comfort in each other.  We are stronger, together.

I dedicate my thoughts and prayers to all the people of Boston. Our heart is with you.

Life is Amazing! Live Well.

Anna Grassini

A Wellesley Woman who, once upon a time, took part in The Scream Tunnel…oh such sweet memories.

 

What to read in the universe’s messages…

The universe is sending me messages–and not all of them are happy ones.  But the real take-home lesson is worth sharing.

Just today I found out that someone I love deeply has received a terrible diagnosis. She is a courageous forty-year-old woman, a doctor, a mother of three children under the age of ten.  We don’t see each other often, but I can say that I have cared about her since I was a child and she was a baby. The devastating news of her illness comes on the heels of other sad news about friends and loved ones over the last few months. My heart keeps breaking. As my mom said today–we did not know we had more tears left, and yet we did. And we shed them liberally and will continue to do so….

Thinking of what my beloved is facing, I am reminded that we all must live our life in this moment because we don’t know how much time we have left on this planet. And we cannot afford to squander even a precious minute.

Life is not about working a few more hours, but about loving and living while being our authentic selves. Life is about hope and grace. Life is about grief and sadness.

At the moment, life is throwing out more questions than answers. I am doing the best I can to “sit in the questions.”

The one take-home lesson is that I must live in the moment, feeling my blood pulse through my veins (probably at an elevated blood pressure level!), embracing my emotions, and growing in wisdom and in love.

I am still working out the details, learning to abandon myself to the sadness, while remembering that there has been joy too. I don’t want to waste any time.  Life is here today, in this moment, for me to grasp and grapple with.  The waves of sadness alternate with the waves of joy. I don’t want to live a life that I will regret. I want to live with boldness and love. This moment is all I have.

I suspect it is the same for you! Don’t waste a minute…

Life is Amazing! Live well.

Anna Grassini

www.lifeinbalancecoach.com

P.S. For a great article on the regrets, see the Huffington post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bronnie-ware/top-5-regrets-of-the-dyin_b_1220965.html

Is there a recipe for a long, happy marriage?

Once again marital disasters make the news.

The latest “great” man to fall is Gen. Petreaus, the former (just) CIA director who, having been married for 38 years to a woman who has the appearance of a solid person, has openly admitted to an affair with a married woman who is much younger and clearly flashy.

I have not read much of the commentary that has ensued, but it is clear to me that we are wasting time assigning blame. There were two consenting adults involved.  They both showed bad judgment and disregarded commitments they had made when they took vows. Life is not perfect, and marriages fail all the time, though mercifully not all do in such splendid public fashion.  Both of these people are to blame. Let’s hope for them and their spouses they have the fortitude to figure out how to live the next phase of their life.

But what does the situation say about marriage in general?

I suppose it’s good that adultery still makes the news and topples careers.  Extramarital relationships and divorces seem a fact of life, but we still have some standards.  What a relief. And what a relief to think of all those marriages that don’t make the news, not to mention those who will survive such trials by fire. My thoughts are with the spouses of the public figures in question.

But really, my thoughts are focused on all those marriages that never make the news. The ones that we forget because two committed individuals overcome all adversity and endure. Hurray for all those marriages.  In the face of a string of fantastic flops (Tipper and Al? Maria and Arnold, anyone?) let’s think about those people whose names we don’t know who are still married.  What can we learn from them? What mistakes have they made or skirted?

Take my parents, for example. They are about to celebrate their 50th later this year.  I am sure if you asked both of them, you’d find they have had their ups and downs.  I certainly have witnessed a fair share of them.  And yet, here they are, golden for the moment and looking forward to setting new personal records in the anniversary department as they live out their old age.

“You become totally dependent on each other,” my mother said the other day in the course of a conversation. “It’s not just the big things. It’s the small ones. You know, like going to the supermarket together and actually having fun.” (As long as she does not spend too much time in the detergent aisle, which apparently is not my dad’s idea of fun.)

What can we learn from these marriages? (Did I mention that John and I are also about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary?) Here are some of my thoughts–and I would love to hear yours:

1. Communication is the art of marriage. If you stop talking, you will not stay married.

2. Marriage requires work. Every day. Running away from problems will leave you at the finish line. And you won’t have won the race.

3. Adulation and flattery may not go a long way, but seeing the other person for all that she or he is does. Even if you know that your brilliant spouse every day puts his pants on like every other man in the planet, you’ve got to remember to acknowledge the greatness in the other.  “The divine light in me salutes the divine light in you,” says our yoga teacher at the end of each class.  Couldn’t have said it better.

4. Love is a lousy word in English (and for that matter, in Italian!).  Off you go to Sanskrit which had 96 ways to express why and how it matters. Here are a few to get you thinking: appreciation, comfort, warmth, affection, trust, friendship, fun, sincerity.  All of these and more are “Love”. Find the ones that matter and embody them in your relationship. Relentlessly.

5. Sharing your secrets, your true self, your dreams is what it’s all about. If you don’t do it with your spouse, you’ll never succeed at marriage. If you lose your way, you’ll lose your marriage…eventually.

I have always wanted to ask Tipper Gore what happened.  Not because I am callously curious about people, but because she or Al must have lost something big along the way.  I’ll never know what, but I know it must have left a profound sadness and a hole in their hearts somewhere.

But let’s not end it on such a sad note. Let’s raise our glasses full of bubbles to those great marriages we all know and honor. Let’s take the occasion to toast to our own beloved, to recognize their significance in our life today and every day…and let’s learn from every situation, whether it is our own story or the one we read about.  I cannot tell us what to learn, but if we ask questions before we judge, we will.

Life is Amazing! Live well.

Anna Grassini

http://www.lifeinbalancecoach.com

What I believe…the questions we should ask about ourselves after the Lance Armstrong resignation

I believe that one of the cornerstones of justice is that we should presume people innocent until proven guilty.

I refuse adamantly the idea that we should delegate to the press the right to try people and tell us what to think and what to believe.

News makes the front page, corrections are an afterthought hidden somewhere most of us don’t go looking.  The press makes many mistakes–and I am not sure who keeps them accountable, but I know they rarely are the ones paying the price.  With regards to the Lance Armstrong saga, there have been journalists who have insinuated that they could not pursue the story when it was hot because it would have cut the revenues of their publications. Wow…is that the same press we should be listening to form an opinion now?

I have always thought that courage was to act in the face of fear…and that we paid dearly for our own convictions.

I will continue to believe that someone is innocent until proven guilty. This is a matter of principle. Armstrong was just an excuse to put these thoughts on paper.  I don’t know what to think about him–and if I lack the knowledge, I am still willing to presume his innocence.

What does it cost me to do so? I admit to my own failings. I don’t know all the facts, I lack the energy to wade through all the evidence that is now being used to say that someone committed doping many years ago.  Who am I to go digging into test results, samples degradation, standards and what we know now that we may have not known then?

How many times in the course of human history have we condemned innocent people?

Maybe Armstrong is not one of them, but I don’t know enough about it. Until then, it does not cost me to see him as a human being with all his failings and some successes.  He survived cancer and used the illness to help others.  How many people can say they have done that?

I would rather see a guilty person go free, then one innocent suffer the humiliation and the injustice of a wrong conviction.  It does not cost me to extend the presumption of innocence to Lance Armstrong. There appear to be plenty of people ready and willing to convict in the forum of public opinion.

For me, the problem has never been about Lance Armstrong, but about our willingness to form a quick opinion without all the facts.

It’s easy to move with the wind, much harder to stand in the face of strong gales…

I am still disturbed deeply by witch hunts–and let us not forget that we, as humans, have a good track record of pursuing the wicked witches. Just read history and you will know how many times we have been misguided.  When we are in pursuit of those wicked witches we cannot see with clarity. We are too thirsty for revenge and blood.  Something threatens us. We don’t know exactly what it is, we attack. Enter the wicked witches. The perfect target for our fears.

We are willing to forget that if one innocent person suffers because of a witch hunt, none of us wins.

Even in this country, which many consider the most sophisticated democracy, the justice system occasionally fails and condemns innocent folks. Please never forget that.

We should use the Lance Armstrong saga not to condemn one individual, but to ask deeper questions of ourselves and those around us.

What do we stand for? What matters most to us? What is it about this story that touches us deeply? Why are we so set on going after one person? What good can we create now? What hope can we give our young people who want to pursue a sport? Do we care about keeping score or about more? Is it so important to win at any cost? Are we so insecure that we have to look for flaws in others? Where is our courage?

Fatigue has set in except for those who like to say “I told you so.”   Maybe I am not fierce enough to go find out more about this particular case, but I am not going to stop believing that the world would be a better place if we pursued less witches and asked deeper questions about our own beliefs and what we can hope for humanity.  We can all do better.

Life is Amazing! Live well.

Anna Grassini

http://www.lifeinbalancecoach.com

On Lance Armstrong, Innocence and History

The August 24th, 2012, Front Page of the Wall Street Journal announced that Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his seven Tour de France championship titles. I cannot help but think that a so many in the world are awakening to believe that Mr. Armstrong is guilty.  I would like to think that we would give the innocent more than the benefit of the doubt.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Mr. Armstrong has given up defending against allegations that he was doping during his epic victories.  Mr. Armstrong underwent over 500 doping tests–never failing them. The most recent allegations did not result in criminal indictments or prosecution. Apparently, Mr. Armstrong, who has relentlessly defended his innocence, has grown tired of the battle.
At what point does an innocent man earn the right to live a peaceful life?
We should have learned something from history. I believe we have not.
There was a time when Americans engaged in witch hunts. As someone recently reminded me, the unfortunate souls who were charged as witches often had to prove their innocence in feats that lead to their death.
As recently as in the 1950s, McCarthy persecuted innumerable innocents based on different ideological convictions. The charge then was that people were communists. It did not matter that they were entitled to their own opinions in a free country.
Whether witches or communists, the history of America is rich with stories of those innocent who were hunted and suffered. Their lives remained scarred, their innocence shuttered not by proof of guilt but by intolerable pain.
Need I remind anyone of all those people exculpated by the Innocence Project? They faced the death penalty because grave mistakes were made. When they were finally recognized as innocent, their lives could no longer be the same.
A friend of mine,  involved in amateur cycling, admits that doping in the sport happens. She too has competed clean and won. I choose to believe her.
It is, perhaps, the unfortunate gift of winners and heroes and “witches” to stand apart from the the mass of humanity. They are stronger, more idealistic, more courageous, more visionary, more intuitive than the rest of us. They may be pioneers. Mostly, they are remarkable humans who are different in what they have accomplished or thought. Geniuses, even. They pave the way for what has not been done before. They show us a path to overcome limits that we thought were set in stone forever.
Do you remember the fate of Galileo? His understanding of planetary matters cost him dearly.  For his enlightened science and vision, he was duly persecuted.
Remarkable individuals suffer when their only fault is that they are different than mere mortals. It is jealousy, pettiness, and perhaps a misconceived perception of what is possible that lets “normal” people attack viciously those who stand out.  I wish we would have the foresight not to hunt witches, not to form opinions based on our own limited understandings.
I believe that we should credit Mr. Armstrong with his outstanding achievements. He stared death in the face, and he survived. He raced, and he made it to the finish line. First. Seven times. He has not been proven guilty of doping. Whether he keeps the title or the medals does not really matter.
We should give him what he is entitled to: his innocence. If we don’t, we will have lost something ever so precious. Our innocence.

What questions should I consider when I am choosing a college?

The college decision right now is weighing on the mind of a lot of high school seniors who approach the choice as the biggest one that they have ever made. It is a big weight on the shoulders of young adults. I would encourage these young people to ask some of the following questions:
1. Which is the right size college for me? (Do I thrive in a smaller setting where people get to know me or in a bigger place where I can just be a number and make my own way without direction?)
2. Which college offers the kind of classes I am most likely to be interested in and a variety of ones that I had no idea existed but that may open a new world to me?
3. What kind of community does the college create?
4. Does the college create a collaborative environment or a competitive one? Which one do I like better? Will the classes be small enough that I can get the attention I want (if I thrive on that)?
5. Does the college community extend beyond the four years? (This is where my alma mater Wellesley is so strong–it has been part of my life since my freshman year and it still is over twenty five years later!)
6. Will the college stretch me to become better or will it just let me stay in my comfort zone? (Part of getting an education I think is about stretching ourselves…)
7. What kind of living environment does the college provide? Does it suit my needs?
8. If I had a choice, how would I want to “grow”? What kind of person do I want to be? Will the college help me get there? How will it do that?
9. Will the college encourage me to have special experiences that are uniquely tailored to my interests? (For example, research opportunities, trips abroad and whatever you can think of)

I traveled from Italy to the US to come to college–it was a big leap. To the young people deciding right now, I invite you to know that you cannot go wrong. As long as you are willing to move forward and you are committed to improving yourself by making the best of your education, you will land in the right place. Good luck! May you soar beyond what you believe is possible.
Life is Amazing! Live well.
Anna Grassini

www.lifeinbalancecoach.com

Defying rules by wearing Yoga Pants

Today a group of teenagers have landed in the Houston news for defying their school administration.  What did these brave young women do to get in hot water? They wore yoga pants to school.  Yep, you read it right.  They wore yoga pants to school! Yesterday,  I watched the drama unfold in first person as my writing buddy was bombarded by texts from her daughter who was involved in the protest at a local high school.  I could write volumes about a school administration that worries about yoga pants (supposedly they have a dress code that ensures, among other things, that their graduates will be “employable”).  What is on my mind, though, is the valuable lesson on civil disobedience that these young women are learning and that the administrators are providing with their preposterous concerns.  I also read that supposedly not all the young women wearing yoga pants were in detention.  I wonder how the administration decided to pick on some girls and not others.

As we look at the world there are lessons to be learned everywhere–some of the most valuable ones do not come in books!! I am wearing yoga pants this morning…and I am inviting everyone who reads this to do the same.  But the more important question is: what rules are in your life that no longer make sense? What habits are you following that need to be thrown out? It is always a good time to evaluate what needs to be changed in our life! And for the young women at Memorial High School, think about what the rules mean and what challenging them entails! Standing up for what we believe is always a good thing, no matter the consequences.

Life is Amazing! Live well.

Anna Grassini
www.lifeinbalancecoach.com